Haven't posted for a while as my Mum has finally gone back to work and left me to look after my own baby unsupervised! How crazy is that?! I actually found it ok although was counting down the minutes until she came home and had a few challenges.
YOU CANT HANDLE THE TOOTH
Baby's tooth finally arrived just before she turned 7 months. I bloody needed it. The constant screaming, bad mood and blotchy skin was getting too much - and that was just me. Now that i can see something it makes me feel loads better. Like i'm getting somewhere with her.
BABY CLASS
Went to a baby class on Monday. Friend cancelled last minute but decided to go anyway. I turned out to be the ONLY woman there. Felt so ridiculous and lonely. Chatted to the woman who ran it but just felt like crying. Oh well, my friend was coming round for lunch so i had that to look forward to. Gossip from the outside world. No - she cancelled! Fuck my life.
BABY MILK
Just when i was feeling better i realised that my baby's Aptamil reflux milk was running out. It's exclusive to Boots and only had some in some shops. Started to get really upset only for Mum's boyfriend to save the day - went to Harrow and Pinner and bought every one off the shelf.
CREATIVE WRITING CLASS
My creative writing class have re-formed so i met some amazing new people this week. Was so blissful to be out of the house and away from baby. I honestly didnt want to come home. Met a girl who has suffered mental health problems and read some of her blog. Amazingly talented girl who describes depression so well.
MAN FLU
Husband had man flu this week and obviously the world stops for him. So i did his night feeds to be a good wife. Only when i had a giant headache he didnt offer to cover my night for me. Went mental and just so upset that he could care so little. I get down the most when i'm tired and so most days were a struggle just to smile and act ok with baby.
MELTDOWN TONIGHT
So tonight i had a proper meltdown. I suppose when you tot up the last week or so i can see why - another good reason for this blog - tracking why i go crazy. Day started ok but baby eventually wore me down. She's started to refuse all food lately so meal times are so hard. She is so stubborn too so i end up wanting to give up. Spiralled massively today. Mum was knackered so went to bed. Was on my own with her and started fine. But quickly the constant moaning that she does almost by accident started to buzz around my brain and i got back this major headache i've been fighting all week. Then by mealtime she was just throwing food on floor and looking at me as if she knew she was breaking me.
I cant describe it without sounding crazy, but i honestly just thought in that moment - i hate this baby, she's ruined my life. I handed her over to my husband as couldnt trust myself to be with her. I thought i might hurt her through my own anger. Within 30 minutes i was crying hysterically, just wanted to press the end button on life. When i get like this all i can see are all of the bad things happening and i truly feel so sorry for myself. I think about how stubborn baby is, how bad i am at looking after her, how fat i am, how i think my wisdom teeth are coming through. It's like a black hole is sucking me up. Anyway, luckily mum and husband could see how bad i was and sent me to bed. Slept for like 3 hours and got up feeling so much better. Thats the great thing about this prozac - before i would just wish for death - i wanted everything to end immediately. I saw no light at the tunnel. Now i just pray for sleep. I know that when i wake up i will feel better even if its only a little bit. Sleep heals EVERYTHING
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