Haven't posted for a while as my Mum has finally gone back to work and left me to look after my own baby unsupervised! How crazy is that?! I actually found it ok although was counting down the minutes until she came home and had a few challenges.
YOU CANT HANDLE THE TOOTH
Baby's tooth finally arrived just before she turned 7 months. I bloody needed it. The constant screaming, bad mood and blotchy skin was getting too much - and that was just me. Now that i can see something it makes me feel loads better. Like i'm getting somewhere with her.
BABY CLASS
Went to a baby class on Monday. Friend cancelled last minute but decided to go anyway. I turned out to be the ONLY woman there. Felt so ridiculous and lonely. Chatted to the woman who ran it but just felt like crying. Oh well, my friend was coming round for lunch so i had that to look forward to. Gossip from the outside world. No - she cancelled! Fuck my life.
BABY MILK
Just when i was feeling better i realised that my baby's Aptamil reflux milk was running out. It's exclusive to Boots and only had some in some shops. Started to get really upset only for Mum's boyfriend to save the day - went to Harrow and Pinner and bought every one off the shelf.
CREATIVE WRITING CLASS
My creative writing class have re-formed so i met some amazing new people this week. Was so blissful to be out of the house and away from baby. I honestly didnt want to come home. Met a girl who has suffered mental health problems and read some of her blog. Amazingly talented girl who describes depression so well.
MAN FLU
Husband had man flu this week and obviously the world stops for him. So i did his night feeds to be a good wife. Only when i had a giant headache he didnt offer to cover my night for me. Went mental and just so upset that he could care so little. I get down the most when i'm tired and so most days were a struggle just to smile and act ok with baby.
MELTDOWN TONIGHT
So tonight i had a proper meltdown. I suppose when you tot up the last week or so i can see why - another good reason for this blog - tracking why i go crazy. Day started ok but baby eventually wore me down. She's started to refuse all food lately so meal times are so hard. She is so stubborn too so i end up wanting to give up. Spiralled massively today. Mum was knackered so went to bed. Was on my own with her and started fine. But quickly the constant moaning that she does almost by accident started to buzz around my brain and i got back this major headache i've been fighting all week. Then by mealtime she was just throwing food on floor and looking at me as if she knew she was breaking me.
I cant describe it without sounding crazy, but i honestly just thought in that moment - i hate this baby, she's ruined my life. I handed her over to my husband as couldnt trust myself to be with her. I thought i might hurt her through my own anger. Within 30 minutes i was crying hysterically, just wanted to press the end button on life. When i get like this all i can see are all of the bad things happening and i truly feel so sorry for myself. I think about how stubborn baby is, how bad i am at looking after her, how fat i am, how i think my wisdom teeth are coming through. It's like a black hole is sucking me up. Anyway, luckily mum and husband could see how bad i was and sent me to bed. Slept for like 3 hours and got up feeling so much better. Thats the great thing about this prozac - before i would just wish for death - i wanted everything to end immediately. I saw no light at the tunnel. Now i just pray for sleep. I know that when i wake up i will feel better even if its only a little bit. Sleep heals EVERYTHING
Friday, 8 March 2013
Wednesday, 20 February 2013
Primark and Teething
Monday
I started today but having a great one. I'm joking - it was a fucking nightmare from the minute i woke up. Woke up to baby screaming hysterically - that high blood curdling scream. Husband was trying to calm her but she wouldnt calm down. Tried to give her calpol but she's decided lately that its poison and so purses her lips closed. You have to literally ram it down her neck. Mother saved the day and
Feetook her into her room.
Got up, packed my face on and managed to get her out of the door to walk to a local baby cafe with my friend. Baby was screaming whole way, had to take her out and carry her while trying to drag the buggy behind me. Arrived sweating like a bitch, baby screaming. They asked me to sign in - didnt even remember my name. What a spastic.
Was nice to chat to other mums about their babies not sleeping and showing off how mine could sit up.
Took her to Primark as was such a lovely day (so decided to spend it indoors). She slept like an angel and i dreamt that this could be my life. Was having so much fun but as usual i did too much - went to visit an auntie in the afternoon then another friend popped in un-announced around 4.30pm. That's when things started to go wrong again. She was suddenly teething like mad, had wind and was over-tired. I was desperately trying to sort her out and rock her to sleep but with anyone around she never goes to sleep. Tried to be polite while giving massive hints about what a nightmare baby she is and how tired i am.
Husband got home and managed to rock her off to sleep - the magicst touch - making me feel like an inadequate mother but just pleased she was away from me. She then work HYSTERICAL again. Gave her teething gel - nothing. Then tried teething granules but was so terrified i ended up throwing most of it in her eye. Que me having a SHUT DOWN.
Screamed MUM!!!! She came down - i basically threw baby at her, hands shaking and shut down. This baby is mental. Mum had her while husband got us a Macdonalds.
Husband is currently sat in the dark with her in the bedroom begging her to sleep...
Tuesday
Got dragged out by mum and brother. Went to a hippy shop and bought a few crystals for myself - ones i was drawn to and help with confidence and mental health. Also bought baby an amber necklace to help with her teething. Left feeling positive.
Wednesday
She slept really well last night. Went down at 10pm and only woke at 1.30am for food and then got up at 07.45. Maybe the magic crystals worked. Feeding her and giving her calpol is getting harder and harder and i feel like she's trying to break my spirit sometimes. Mum was out this morning and i had to get the house looking sort of respectable as a new friend from water babies was coming round. The hand held hoover ran out of batteries - felt like everything was against me. Was a rush when Mum arrived back at 12.30 and by then i was near my wits end. Her amber necklace that we had bought yesterday broke but i tried desperately to keep it together. Friend arrived and thankfully she is a really nice laid back girl so felt relaxed. But today i felt kind of detached from everyone. Like i was acting. Mum popped out while the friend left and i then had to try and wrestle her with the calpol and feed her. She took some before throwing a massive hissy fit. By the time Mum came back i was shutting down again. All i can think is how on the edge i am and how i cant cope with looking after this baby. Mum suggested maybe going back to work earlier. I'm not sure. I cant wait to go back but at the same time i'm worried that if i do and she is still a nightmare every night i will break down even further. Mum's told me to find out how much a childminder would be even while i'm on maternity leave. Just dont know what to do.
FEEL LIKE I'M SPIRALLING BACK. Mum is going back to work on Monday and i just dont know how i am going to cope without her.
I started today but having a great one. I'm joking - it was a fucking nightmare from the minute i woke up. Woke up to baby screaming hysterically - that high blood curdling scream. Husband was trying to calm her but she wouldnt calm down. Tried to give her calpol but she's decided lately that its poison and so purses her lips closed. You have to literally ram it down her neck. Mother saved the day and
Feetook her into her room.
Got up, packed my face on and managed to get her out of the door to walk to a local baby cafe with my friend. Baby was screaming whole way, had to take her out and carry her while trying to drag the buggy behind me. Arrived sweating like a bitch, baby screaming. They asked me to sign in - didnt even remember my name. What a spastic.
Was nice to chat to other mums about their babies not sleeping and showing off how mine could sit up.
Took her to Primark as was such a lovely day (so decided to spend it indoors). She slept like an angel and i dreamt that this could be my life. Was having so much fun but as usual i did too much - went to visit an auntie in the afternoon then another friend popped in un-announced around 4.30pm. That's when things started to go wrong again. She was suddenly teething like mad, had wind and was over-tired. I was desperately trying to sort her out and rock her to sleep but with anyone around she never goes to sleep. Tried to be polite while giving massive hints about what a nightmare baby she is and how tired i am.
Husband got home and managed to rock her off to sleep - the magicst touch - making me feel like an inadequate mother but just pleased she was away from me. She then work HYSTERICAL again. Gave her teething gel - nothing. Then tried teething granules but was so terrified i ended up throwing most of it in her eye. Que me having a SHUT DOWN.
Screamed MUM!!!! She came down - i basically threw baby at her, hands shaking and shut down. This baby is mental. Mum had her while husband got us a Macdonalds.
Husband is currently sat in the dark with her in the bedroom begging her to sleep...
Tuesday
Got dragged out by mum and brother. Went to a hippy shop and bought a few crystals for myself - ones i was drawn to and help with confidence and mental health. Also bought baby an amber necklace to help with her teething. Left feeling positive.
Wednesday
She slept really well last night. Went down at 10pm and only woke at 1.30am for food and then got up at 07.45. Maybe the magic crystals worked. Feeding her and giving her calpol is getting harder and harder and i feel like she's trying to break my spirit sometimes. Mum was out this morning and i had to get the house looking sort of respectable as a new friend from water babies was coming round. The hand held hoover ran out of batteries - felt like everything was against me. Was a rush when Mum arrived back at 12.30 and by then i was near my wits end. Her amber necklace that we had bought yesterday broke but i tried desperately to keep it together. Friend arrived and thankfully she is a really nice laid back girl so felt relaxed. But today i felt kind of detached from everyone. Like i was acting. Mum popped out while the friend left and i then had to try and wrestle her with the calpol and feed her. She took some before throwing a massive hissy fit. By the time Mum came back i was shutting down again. All i can think is how on the edge i am and how i cant cope with looking after this baby. Mum suggested maybe going back to work earlier. I'm not sure. I cant wait to go back but at the same time i'm worried that if i do and she is still a nightmare every night i will break down even further. Mum's told me to find out how much a childminder would be even while i'm on maternity leave. Just dont know what to do.
FEEL LIKE I'M SPIRALLING BACK. Mum is going back to work on Monday and i just dont know how i am going to cope without her.
Monday, 18 February 2013
Post Natal Depression - How it all started...
I'm writing this blog to give people an insight into the crazy world of postnatal depression. I honestly think that if people talk about it half as much as they ram breastfeeding down your neck more women would get help quicker and maybe I wouldn't have been in denial for so long.
Since being diagnosed with Severe Post-Natal Depression my phycotherapist has told me a few things contributed to it before I was even aware:
HOWEVER
HAVING A BABY? WHAT A PIECE OF PISS
When i finally gave birth 9 days after my due date i had a natural easy birth and delivered a massive 9 pounds 3 and 1/2 ounces baby girl. I was on top of the world. I felt like Superwoman - if i could give birth to this enormous baby i could do anything! I could rule the world!
The first two weeks were great - i honestly felt fantastic. Even though i was doing all of the night feeds and she was awake every two hours i was coping with the sleep deprivation and had my mum and husband around me to help and allow me to nap.
REAL WORLD WITH A BANG
Suddenly everyone was back at work and i was stuck alone with this baby. This baby who then developed colic and reflux. This basically meant from 4pm to midnight EVERY night she would scream inconsolably and there was nothing we could do about it. Then i would have the joy of sleeping for two hours before she was awake again. Even through the beginning of this i was ok.
MUMMA'S TALKING TO THE HOOVER AGAIN
Then the loneliness crept in. I was used to working in a busy office where i could chat with my mates any time, eat a constant flow of jaffa cakes all day and in between have a full hours lunch break. Why had i ever moaned about work? Work was fucking easy compared to this! I was used to being organised and able to problem solve but this baby didn't come with a manual and there was nothing i could do to stop her crying. Even when she wasn't crying i was so bored - painfully bored. I used to fantasise about being able to be home and watch This Morning but suddenly even that was boring. All i could think about was everyone else outside of the house - how lucky they were to have their lives. I would sometimes feel i should take to facebook and publicly warn everyone that they shouldn't have a baby. How could anyone find this fun?
All i got was texts from friends saying 'isn't it the best thing in the world' and i would think 'are these morons crazy? They need to get out more.'
The worst feeling of all was knowing there was NO WAY OUT of this nightmare. I had made my bed and i had to lie in it. To think for all of those years i was desperate for a baby - why? Why hadn't people warned me that it was the worst thing in the world? This was the hardest and most boring job i had ever done but unlike any other i couldn't hand in my notice. I couldn't go home at the end of the day or have weekends off. It was a never ending nightmare.
I would fantasise about running away to somewhere like Scotland where no-one knew me, dying my hair and start my life over. I would just live my life alone without a family and be perfectly happy and perfectly selfish. There was no normal rational thinking - i wouldn't think who would look after my baby or how upset my husband and the rest of my family would be. I didn't care - I JUST NEEDED TO RUN.
It didn't occur to me for a second that i might have postnatal depression - don't be ridiculous - that's what women who cant cope get. I'm a great coper, i always have been. I'm not a single mother - i have a loving, supportive family. I don't have a disabled child - she is healthy. Everything i felt just made me feel guiltier. I knew deep down how lucky i was to have this baby girl but i couldn't stop wishing she was ten years old already!
I started thinking of things to do to help myself. After all, if I've ever had a problem I've always found a solution. Not this time. I was lonely so i went to EVERY mother and baby group in the area. I invited EVERY friend that had weekdays off round for lunch. I ended up just exhausting myself. I started throwing myself into exercise determined to 'pull myself together'. I would get up in the morning, feed her, then do two Wii Just Dance routines, then get ready. I would walk round the block and look aimlessly in shops. I would do yoga once a week. Something had to turn me around. It seemed all it did was exhaust me further. I was trying too hard and this thing was beating me.
The only good way to explain it is like someone dumping you into the middle of the ocean. Its terrifying, but you're sure you can tread water until someone comes along to rescue you or you spot a nearby island. But time goes by quickly, the tide is getting rougher, the sky darker and your arms and legs ache. You still fight it, desperate to survive. Until you are so tired you give up and let the water swallow you up. You accept that you want to die. Anything is better than this. Trying to survive is just too hard. Dying seems like such a good option.
I remember my baby crying horrifically all of the time and me unable to do anything to stop her. Sometimes i would just get the hand held hoover and hoover the whole house around her, pretending she didn't exist. Liking the fact that it drowned out some of the sound. Hoping she would give up and be nice to me. She didn't like me - it was obvious. Everyone else seemed to be better with her. My mum could always notice blue around her mouth as a sign of wind and to this day i have never seen it. It would make me feel like such a failure that someone else could look after my baby, i was just such an idiot i couldn't give her what she needed.
Very quickly my thoughts turned to suicide. I didn't think about actually going through with it, but i just wanted out. I would say to my mum 'if there was just an off switch and i could be dead i would press it.' I was too much of a pussy to feel any sort of pain. During these times i would consider how much i had in my bank account and if i could get that train to Scotland.
I would mainly only cry to my mum and husband and they would reassure me that it was normal. I would tell friends about how i was feeling but because i was still 'putting a brave face' on to it i would laugh while telling them, as if it was a joke. They would all reassure me with 'it gets better' and 'we all go through it' which only made me feel like more of a drama queen. Everyone felt like this - i just needed to deal with it.
HOLS FROM HELL
It all came to a head when we took a family holiday when baby was about two and a half months. Everyone was helping out and i got lots of time to myself but i still felt mental. I couldn't relax - not for a second. I had a constant feeling of dread - almost like when someone first tells you someone you know has died - that stomach dropping horrifying dread. Even something as simple as going out to lunch would put me in a panic. I couldn't even decide what to eat - a simple decision like that was too much for me. She would always cry when our food would arrive anyway so what was the point? I might as well starve myself to death. It would be a slow death but i deserved to suffer anyway.
HULA HOOP SHOWDOWN
At the airport on the way back i completely freaked out. I hate flying anyway and so all of my emotions were heightened. I remember screaming at my husband because he had walked off with my purse - i could have killed him i was so angry. Then i bought a simple packet of hula hoops and shit got real. I sat down to eat them and they were rock hard and stale. I looked at the best before date and it was today. They'd sold me out of date hula hoops - the bastards! I stormed back in there and calmly asked for my money back or an exchange. A bitchy woman behind the counter said that they were supposed to be hard - they were Hula Hoops. I screamed at her 'I know my FUCKING hula hoops and these are NOT what i want.' She tried them, looking at me with such contempt, only to them agree they were stale and give me my money back. Its only then that i realised i could have easily killed this bitch - stamped her head on the counter - over a pack of Hula Hoops. What the hell was wrong with me?
When i got back to the UK my family were on me to go to the doctors but i still felt embarrassed and sure i was just being stupid. I had my baby's injections booked for the week after and had a meltdown in the waiting room crying hysterically. Thankfully my mum was with me. The nurse immediately booked me an emergency appointment the next day as she suspected i had it.
When i went to the doctors and told them how i felt they diagnosed me with severe postnatal depression. It was severe even though i had lied on a few questions and not told her that by this point i was considering killing myself every day. I was scared they would take my baby from me. Luckily they were amazing and put me on Prozac straight away. They told me the first few weeks i would feel a bit affected but after that i should start to feel more normal.
MAGIC PILLS
I read the package and saw that if you had feelings of harming yourself they may be increased in the following few weeks. Well, that's not going to happen to me i thought. I felt better already that someone had told me it wasn't my fault and given me the magic pill to cure it. Oh happy days...
The next 2 weeks were awful. All i could think about was killing myself. I would wonder how i would do it - what would be the most painless way to do it. I didn't think i could slit my wrists and i wouldn't know where to start with hanging myself. I was never a girl guide. The best possible options seemed to be taking an overdose or throwing myself in front of a train.
BREAK IT DOWN NOW
One day, around week 3 of the tablets, i broke down. That's the only way to describe it - i was a broken woman. My baby wouldn't stop crying and i just couldn't do it anymore. I cried hysterically and wished that she had never been born. I had to kill myself and it had to be today. There was a local train station that i could drive to and jump in front of a train. But i wasn't dressed. Something told me that i had to be dressed - people would think i was crazy if i arrived in my pyjamas. Whereas if i was dressed they wouldn't think i was crazy jumping in front of a train - like i said, no logic. I called both my mum and husband but was in such a state that i couldn't even talk - i just sobbed down the phone. They knew it was serious and left work immediately. By the time they got to me i was beyond anything - i was crying, but not sobbing anymore. I couldn't talk. I couldn't do anything. Everything felt like far too hard work. My mum dragged me upstairs to bed and phoned the doctor - they told her to increase my tablets, give me diazapan to sedate me and signed my mum off for a month to be my carer. They said i wasn't allowed to be left alone.
The next week or so was a blur. I just slept and slept. I felt like i had the flu or I'd ran a marathon. I ached all over and even going to the toilet was a mission. After a week or so i was able to see the baby again, but only to say hello or at the most hold her for a minute or two. The thought of actually giving her care, like a bottle or a nappy change left me hysterical.
I've slowly got better but this blog is to help me vent about my day to day dramas and issues. Enjoy x
Since being diagnosed with Severe Post-Natal Depression my phycotherapist has told me a few things contributed to it before I was even aware:
- I was trying for 2 and a half years and told we couldn't conceive without IVF.
- When i magically became pregnant I was so sure I couldn't carry a baby i constantly worried I'd miscarry.
- I had bleeding and lightening's from week 32 and was told my baby would be premature. I had numerous hospital stays (including my birthday!).
HOWEVER
HAVING A BABY? WHAT A PIECE OF PISS
When i finally gave birth 9 days after my due date i had a natural easy birth and delivered a massive 9 pounds 3 and 1/2 ounces baby girl. I was on top of the world. I felt like Superwoman - if i could give birth to this enormous baby i could do anything! I could rule the world!
The first two weeks were great - i honestly felt fantastic. Even though i was doing all of the night feeds and she was awake every two hours i was coping with the sleep deprivation and had my mum and husband around me to help and allow me to nap.
REAL WORLD WITH A BANG
Suddenly everyone was back at work and i was stuck alone with this baby. This baby who then developed colic and reflux. This basically meant from 4pm to midnight EVERY night she would scream inconsolably and there was nothing we could do about it. Then i would have the joy of sleeping for two hours before she was awake again. Even through the beginning of this i was ok.
MUMMA'S TALKING TO THE HOOVER AGAIN
Then the loneliness crept in. I was used to working in a busy office where i could chat with my mates any time, eat a constant flow of jaffa cakes all day and in between have a full hours lunch break. Why had i ever moaned about work? Work was fucking easy compared to this! I was used to being organised and able to problem solve but this baby didn't come with a manual and there was nothing i could do to stop her crying. Even when she wasn't crying i was so bored - painfully bored. I used to fantasise about being able to be home and watch This Morning but suddenly even that was boring. All i could think about was everyone else outside of the house - how lucky they were to have their lives. I would sometimes feel i should take to facebook and publicly warn everyone that they shouldn't have a baby. How could anyone find this fun?
All i got was texts from friends saying 'isn't it the best thing in the world' and i would think 'are these morons crazy? They need to get out more.'
The worst feeling of all was knowing there was NO WAY OUT of this nightmare. I had made my bed and i had to lie in it. To think for all of those years i was desperate for a baby - why? Why hadn't people warned me that it was the worst thing in the world? This was the hardest and most boring job i had ever done but unlike any other i couldn't hand in my notice. I couldn't go home at the end of the day or have weekends off. It was a never ending nightmare.
I would fantasise about running away to somewhere like Scotland where no-one knew me, dying my hair and start my life over. I would just live my life alone without a family and be perfectly happy and perfectly selfish. There was no normal rational thinking - i wouldn't think who would look after my baby or how upset my husband and the rest of my family would be. I didn't care - I JUST NEEDED TO RUN.
It didn't occur to me for a second that i might have postnatal depression - don't be ridiculous - that's what women who cant cope get. I'm a great coper, i always have been. I'm not a single mother - i have a loving, supportive family. I don't have a disabled child - she is healthy. Everything i felt just made me feel guiltier. I knew deep down how lucky i was to have this baby girl but i couldn't stop wishing she was ten years old already!
I started thinking of things to do to help myself. After all, if I've ever had a problem I've always found a solution. Not this time. I was lonely so i went to EVERY mother and baby group in the area. I invited EVERY friend that had weekdays off round for lunch. I ended up just exhausting myself. I started throwing myself into exercise determined to 'pull myself together'. I would get up in the morning, feed her, then do two Wii Just Dance routines, then get ready. I would walk round the block and look aimlessly in shops. I would do yoga once a week. Something had to turn me around. It seemed all it did was exhaust me further. I was trying too hard and this thing was beating me.
The only good way to explain it is like someone dumping you into the middle of the ocean. Its terrifying, but you're sure you can tread water until someone comes along to rescue you or you spot a nearby island. But time goes by quickly, the tide is getting rougher, the sky darker and your arms and legs ache. You still fight it, desperate to survive. Until you are so tired you give up and let the water swallow you up. You accept that you want to die. Anything is better than this. Trying to survive is just too hard. Dying seems like such a good option.
I remember my baby crying horrifically all of the time and me unable to do anything to stop her. Sometimes i would just get the hand held hoover and hoover the whole house around her, pretending she didn't exist. Liking the fact that it drowned out some of the sound. Hoping she would give up and be nice to me. She didn't like me - it was obvious. Everyone else seemed to be better with her. My mum could always notice blue around her mouth as a sign of wind and to this day i have never seen it. It would make me feel like such a failure that someone else could look after my baby, i was just such an idiot i couldn't give her what she needed.
Very quickly my thoughts turned to suicide. I didn't think about actually going through with it, but i just wanted out. I would say to my mum 'if there was just an off switch and i could be dead i would press it.' I was too much of a pussy to feel any sort of pain. During these times i would consider how much i had in my bank account and if i could get that train to Scotland.
I would mainly only cry to my mum and husband and they would reassure me that it was normal. I would tell friends about how i was feeling but because i was still 'putting a brave face' on to it i would laugh while telling them, as if it was a joke. They would all reassure me with 'it gets better' and 'we all go through it' which only made me feel like more of a drama queen. Everyone felt like this - i just needed to deal with it.
HOLS FROM HELL
It all came to a head when we took a family holiday when baby was about two and a half months. Everyone was helping out and i got lots of time to myself but i still felt mental. I couldn't relax - not for a second. I had a constant feeling of dread - almost like when someone first tells you someone you know has died - that stomach dropping horrifying dread. Even something as simple as going out to lunch would put me in a panic. I couldn't even decide what to eat - a simple decision like that was too much for me. She would always cry when our food would arrive anyway so what was the point? I might as well starve myself to death. It would be a slow death but i deserved to suffer anyway.
HULA HOOP SHOWDOWN
At the airport on the way back i completely freaked out. I hate flying anyway and so all of my emotions were heightened. I remember screaming at my husband because he had walked off with my purse - i could have killed him i was so angry. Then i bought a simple packet of hula hoops and shit got real. I sat down to eat them and they were rock hard and stale. I looked at the best before date and it was today. They'd sold me out of date hula hoops - the bastards! I stormed back in there and calmly asked for my money back or an exchange. A bitchy woman behind the counter said that they were supposed to be hard - they were Hula Hoops. I screamed at her 'I know my FUCKING hula hoops and these are NOT what i want.' She tried them, looking at me with such contempt, only to them agree they were stale and give me my money back. Its only then that i realised i could have easily killed this bitch - stamped her head on the counter - over a pack of Hula Hoops. What the hell was wrong with me?
When i got back to the UK my family were on me to go to the doctors but i still felt embarrassed and sure i was just being stupid. I had my baby's injections booked for the week after and had a meltdown in the waiting room crying hysterically. Thankfully my mum was with me. The nurse immediately booked me an emergency appointment the next day as she suspected i had it.
When i went to the doctors and told them how i felt they diagnosed me with severe postnatal depression. It was severe even though i had lied on a few questions and not told her that by this point i was considering killing myself every day. I was scared they would take my baby from me. Luckily they were amazing and put me on Prozac straight away. They told me the first few weeks i would feel a bit affected but after that i should start to feel more normal.
MAGIC PILLS
I read the package and saw that if you had feelings of harming yourself they may be increased in the following few weeks. Well, that's not going to happen to me i thought. I felt better already that someone had told me it wasn't my fault and given me the magic pill to cure it. Oh happy days...
The next 2 weeks were awful. All i could think about was killing myself. I would wonder how i would do it - what would be the most painless way to do it. I didn't think i could slit my wrists and i wouldn't know where to start with hanging myself. I was never a girl guide. The best possible options seemed to be taking an overdose or throwing myself in front of a train.
BREAK IT DOWN NOW
One day, around week 3 of the tablets, i broke down. That's the only way to describe it - i was a broken woman. My baby wouldn't stop crying and i just couldn't do it anymore. I cried hysterically and wished that she had never been born. I had to kill myself and it had to be today. There was a local train station that i could drive to and jump in front of a train. But i wasn't dressed. Something told me that i had to be dressed - people would think i was crazy if i arrived in my pyjamas. Whereas if i was dressed they wouldn't think i was crazy jumping in front of a train - like i said, no logic. I called both my mum and husband but was in such a state that i couldn't even talk - i just sobbed down the phone. They knew it was serious and left work immediately. By the time they got to me i was beyond anything - i was crying, but not sobbing anymore. I couldn't talk. I couldn't do anything. Everything felt like far too hard work. My mum dragged me upstairs to bed and phoned the doctor - they told her to increase my tablets, give me diazapan to sedate me and signed my mum off for a month to be my carer. They said i wasn't allowed to be left alone.
The next week or so was a blur. I just slept and slept. I felt like i had the flu or I'd ran a marathon. I ached all over and even going to the toilet was a mission. After a week or so i was able to see the baby again, but only to say hello or at the most hold her for a minute or two. The thought of actually giving her care, like a bottle or a nappy change left me hysterical.
I've slowly got better but this blog is to help me vent about my day to day dramas and issues. Enjoy x
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